This Above All
by SuperKateB
Summary: What goes into the making of a soul? What defines who we are and why we are the way we are? And how much of that can you escape? Can you really be "true?"


A horrible habit I picked up in my junior high school days is that I sit in the front of every  
classroom, right in the middle. My friends always assumed that it was because I was an apt pupil, but this   
is not completely true; the truth is that, up until the ninth grade, I had a case of acute and uncorrected   
nearsightedness, and the only way I could compensate was to sit in the front of the room. By the time my   
prescription was updated and my contacts made up for my poor vision, I was so used to it that it didn't matter  
anymore.  
  
Now, I'm in college, and I sit in the first or second row of every class. Even in my Shakespearean   
literature class, a course on a subject that I know backwards and forwards, I sit in the very front, pencil  
poised and mind completely ready to take notes. Every moment is full of rapt attention. Sad, isn't it? I   
have had every opportunity to break from my stereotype and yet, I have not broken away. I leave myself open  
to the snickers of me being a prude, a homebody, a nerd.   
  
My mind wanders, and it is only when Professor Toha, a thin-faced young woman with a very loud,   
commanding voice, stands right in front of my desk that I notice my lapse into reverie. I don't know how she  
came to teach at the university, being as she is not much older than I, but she is my professor none the less.  
  
"Ami-san," she addresses me with a smile, undoubtedly amused to see her best student wandering into   
the land of daydreams, "what do you think the most important lesson in 'Hamlet' is, hmm?"  
  
I consider this for only a second. I need no additional time to consider it, not after having read  
"Hamlet" twice in my high school years and now, a third time for my course on Shakespeare. I must admit that  
I am a big enough bibliophile that I live in a room shelved with the bard's finest works.   
  
Smiling, I stare up at my teacher and repeat my favorite line from the play.  
  
"'This above all: To thine own self be true.'"  
  
My teacher smiles and continues with the lesson.  
  
----------------  
"This Above All"  
A Sailor Moon Fanfiction  
Written by Kate "SuperKate" Butler (duncan@avenew.com)  
----------------  
  
"Ami-chan, I think you REALLY impressed Toha-sensei!" gushes one of the three girls I occasionally   
talk to, her backpack bouncing merrily against her lower back as she follows me down the hallway after class.  
She's a happy little redhead with the most obscene head of curls I have ever seen. More than that, she   
seems to bounce when she walks, a trait that's both cute and annoying. "I didn't expect you to know so fast!"  
  
I don't need to turn around to see the second girl, long black bangs hanging in her face, roll her   
eyes in annoyance. "Saku, if you expected any less from Ami-sempai, you are truly naive." Her voice is always  
low and flinty, with no sign of emotion. She confuses me to no end, I will admit. So cold, and yet she seems  
so kind under everything else. She is like one of Zeno's paradoxes in her own way, infinite and yet finite  
at the same time.  
  
Saku wrinkles her nose and whirls back on her schoolmate, glowering. "Chiko, you're mean!" she   
insists loudly, causing a few of the passers-by in the hall to glance at her. I sigh. Will she ever learn?  
  
The third girl is silent. She says nothing. She never does. She always follows me in silence, a   
shadow I need and yet do not need, a part of me that I do not speak with. Ever.  
  
We wander down the hallway and outside into the quad area. Students have flooded the grassy area,   
enjoying the first few days of that which is called spring. It's a very "natural" campus, if you can call a   
campus that, with shade trees dotting the horizon and meandering sidewalks that all double-back on each other.  
I've spent the last two years of my life living here, and I will spend the next two, as well. Four years of  
my life, only to go to yet another four years of schooling. Some would say I am insane. And maybe I am. That's  
not the point.  
  
"Off to the virgin vault again?" kids Saku, winking flirtatiously at me as I start up the stairs toward  
my dormitory building. She and Chiko are both freshman majoring in literature, and thus the classes I take  
for pleasure are required for them. I chose to stay on campus in the all-girl's dorm for my second year of   
schooling - meaning, primarily, that I began to get teased for being a social outcast and a prude - while   
my two friends both found themselves housed in the freshman-only building. The two dorms are separated by  
a giant staircase, with Aki House - the all-girl's housing - at the top of the hill and Hokano Home at the  
very bottom. I turn around and smile at the redhead, who smiles back. "Going to the movie tonight at the   
college commons?" she asks with the cock of her head.  
  
Our dark-haired friend rolls her eyes. "Saku," she groans, "you know that it's Friday. Ami will  
spend her whole time doing her homework so she can go to Tokyo and see her friends tomorrow."  
  
"Oh!" squeaks Saku, blushing a color that perfectly matches her tresses. "Gomen, Ami-chan! I forgot!"  
She frowns a bit. "Too bad, though. They're showing that new anime movie... What's it called again? Say La   
Moin?"  
  
"'Sailor Moon,'" sighs Chiko, shaking her head. Then, in her normal way, she grasps her classmate by   
the backpack and begins dragging her toward Hokano Home. "Come on, now. Let's leave Ami-sempai alone. She  
has REAL friends back at home, you know."  
  
I smile sadly at them as they wander off, an odd couple indeed. But as I turn toward the shaded steps  
and the looming red-brick facade that is Aki House, my smile fades into a frown.   
  
What those two don't know is that I haven't gone back to Tokyo since October. No one knows, though  
I'm sure that my excuse of having too much schoolwork every weekend is starting to make even Usagi-chan   
suspect of my motives.  
  
She knows, though. That third friend of mine, she knows.  
  
She says nothing, though, and follows me up the stairwell.  
  
------  
  
"I think I'm going out tonight," yawns Kika, stretching her long arms over her head as she paces   
across the room. She, too, is a freshman, but - unlike myself - she is extremely social and outgoing. Not   
once has she spent the evening alone in our dorm room, working on homework or just enjoying solitude. No,  
instead, she goes out and parties with the older girls on campus and comes home at all hours of the early   
morning, drunker than anything I have ever seen. It's in her nature, I guess, to be like that.  
  
It confuses me, too, because I made it clear on my housing application that I am not a social   
butterfly. I suppose that the school just fails to read these things.  
  
I look up from my biology write-up, my eyes focusing through the unfamiliar thickness of my glasses.  
My friends always used to think that I only wore glasses for reading, but that is a complete and utter lie.  
My eyesight is actually poor enough that I have to wear contacts all the time. The glasses, sadly, were mostly  
just one of the many levels to my facade, part of the self I attempt, generally, to avoid. "Really?" I ask  
as I do every night, hoping that my attempt to sound interested is not too forced. "Where to?"  
  
"I guess there are a few parties up at the senior houses," she responds, fiddling with her long, blonde  
hair as she speaks. Then, she frowns and turns toward me. "Some girl called for you," she thinks aloud. "I  
don't really remember her name, now. Usugi, maybe? Or Usaki?"  
  
My heart stops, and my pencil rolls to the floor. "Usagi?" I breathe in surprise. "But why would   
Usagi-chan call all the way out here?"  
  
Kika considers this, then shrugs. "Something about a movie that's opening this weekend, I think," she  
replies, as if it's no big deal. "I wasn't really listening to the message. I saved it for you, though."  
  
I stare at the phone that sits on the corner of my desk. It's the first time that I've noticed the  
blinking red light that indicates a message.  
  
My roommate looks at me, an odd expression on her face. "You going to listen to it, or no?" she asks,  
wrinkling her nose. "Because, if you're not, you might as well delete it and free up the space in our   
mailbox."  
  
"Maybe when I finish here," I return softly, focusing my attention back to biology. Back to   
schoolwork. Back to the life that I forged for myself so many years earlier. "But don't worry, I will delete  
it."  
  
She shrugs and keeps playing with her hair.  
  
------  
  
"Heh heh, Ami-chan, long time no talk to... I suppose that's probably my fault, and if it is, I'm   
awfully sorry. Well, anyway, the girls and I are going to see the movie tomorrow night. You coming into   
Tokyo? I haven't heard from you, yet, so I was really hoping that you'd come... But I suppose you're busy...  
You're really always busy, aren't you? I hope you're having fun at college, though. Everyone misses you   
something terrible. Me especially. Well, okay. Later."  
  
------  
  
I wander the campus blindly, almost alone in the early hours of Saturday morning. She still follows  
me, as she always does, but I manage to ignore her. At least, to the best of my ability, I ignore her.   
  
I have always loved the sunrise. Nothing makes me happier than watching the sun climb above the   
trees and buildings of my campus and sneak slowly into the sky, shining down on the world and basking it in   
a brand new day. The air smells fresh and crisp, and the light is inviting. Warm, sweet, and inviting.  
  
We sit down on a bench, my silent friend and I, and it is only when I open my battered copy of   
"Hamlet" that she begins to speak. She only speaks when we are completely alone, and generally, it's when I   
have schoolwork to do. Maybe it's her personal protest against the reputation I have built for myself. I   
can't be sure.  
  
"Why did you pick the quote you did, yesterday?" she asks quietly, almost shy. She's always been shy  
around me, though I don't know why.  
  
I shrug, not looking up from my book. "Because it's an important lesson," I retort. It always annoys  
me when she starts these soul-searching discussions in the midst of my homework. "After all, most every   
civilization has some version of that very saying."  
  
She sighs, as though I completely missed the point. Perhaps I did miss the point. "But you don't live  
it," she presses, fidgeting slightly. "You know that you don't, too, you just refuse to admit to it. And that  
leaves me at a small loss." I glance at her, her blue eyes meeting mine. She has my attention, now. "What has  
changed so much that you let us all lose our Ami-chan? And how can we get her back, if she really is gone?"  
  
My book flutters shut, the dog-eared pages whispering against one another as I rise, infuriated by  
the question. "Nothing is different!" I insist, glowering down at her. "Nothing has changed! I just don't   
think like I used to, anymore!"  
  
"The girls miss you," she continues, as though she's not listening to a word I say. "I miss you, too.  
Everything is an excuse, a reason why things are NOT." Her face is sad as she looks up me. "You could have   
changed the way people looked at you. You could have been how Usagi and the girls see you. How I see you.  
Why didn't you make the change you so wanted, Ami-chan? Why?"  
  
I throw down my book, glowering at the inhabited park bench. My rarely-seen temper is flaring now,   
burning down on this girl as the sun burns down on the still-brown spring grass and the budding trees. "You   
try it!" I scream, my voice rising in an impassioned crescendo. "You try living life and being 'true to   
yourself' when all you've ever done is lived a facade! You attempt it!"  
  
She rises and shakes her head. "The problem with your logic is that you've done more than that," she   
replies coolly, her eyes meeting mine. There's a calm about her I do not like. She is smooth and seamless,   
like water. "You know that you've lived beyond your facade. And I KNOW you can break out, again."  
  
And then, in the blink of an eye, she is gone.  
  
------  
  
To: mizuno-ami@osakadaigaku.jp  
From: eien_no_mako_chan@yahoo.jp  
Re: Coming, or no?  
  
Usagi-chan said she called you and that you haven't called back yet. Does that mean you're actually coming to   
the movie? I really hope you'll at least consider it. She's really down since she hasn't heard back. I don't  
want to see her cry. Not again.  
Ah well. Let me know. Ja.   
~ Mako  
  
------  
  
The afternoon matinee empties out, children and adults alike pouring from the theater. Little boys and  
girls walk past the toy store display next door and begin to beg for the new, movie-spawned toys that have   
come out, their little eyes lighting up at the prospect of getting a little Sailor Senshi doll as a gift.  
I, of course, have no need for these things and I press past the shop, crossing the parking lot at a rather  
quick rate so I can make it to my car.  
  
Her words echo in my mind. What has changed? Why haven't I broken free? In all my years, the only   
people who saw me as something beyond the nerd and bookworm were those four girls, and now, I have cut myself  
off from them. Why? Why in the world am I doing this? Why would anyone want to? Is the past that horrible.  
  
I climb into the driver's seat and she climbs into the passenger's. She has been oddly silent. Even  
all the way through the movie. I can't help but wonder if she's angry at me.  
  
"You like it?" I ask softly, starting up the engine. It purrs softly, the familiar sound soothing   
to my wary ears.  
  
She shrugs. "It was alright. I think that you were a bit misrepresented."  
  
I nod, and we begin the drive in complete silence. What else can I say to that?   
  
Not much, I decide, so I just start driving.  
  
------  
  
"Ami-chan!"  
  
"Kami be blessed, you CAME?"  
  
"I don't believe it."  
  
"Sugoi!"  
  
I blush profusely, scuffing my feet a bit. Arms fly at me from all directions as I'm pulled into   
four hugs all at once. There is laughing and there is crying. There are smiles and there are frowns. There   
is joy and sadness, and I'm in the midst of it all.  
  
The only one who does not attack is she. My silent friend. No, she does not hug or cry, but she   
does stand apart from the rest of the group, and she does smile.  
  
"Was that so hard?" she mouths, winking at me.  
  
I shake my head. Maybe it wasn't, after all.  
  
------  
  
Another week passes, and - once again - I find myself walking out of class with Saku and Chiko in   
tow just as I do every Friday afternoon. My redheaded friend is bouncing and her roommate is trying to calm  
her down, but to no avail. There's too much happiness in this place, today. Even I am close to bouncing.  
  
"Did you SEE the look on Toha-sensei's face when you sat in the back today?" giggles Saku, turning   
around from her place six paces ahead to smile at me. "I thought she would have a heart attack on the spot!"  
  
Chiko just rolls her eyes, and I smile at that. The subtlety of the gesture is not lost on me. Maybe  
a week ago, it would have been, but not today.   
  
The dawn was beautiful today, the start of a brand new day.  
  
We reach the stairwell between Aki and Hokano, and I find myself looking down at a rather defeated-  
looking redhead with sad, bright eyes. I frown slightly, cocking my head to one side. "Aren't you going to   
ask me to go out with you tonight?" I question, a bit confused by her sudden change of heart.  
  
Saku frowns. "Chiko-chan said that I should stop bothering you, since you're always so busy on   
weekends with your schoolwork and your friends, and so - "  
  
"I'd love to," I inform her, cutting her ramblings short. Her eyes blossom as she glances up at me,   
and I can see Chiko swoon. She must think I've lost my mind, and maybe I have. I rake a hand through my   
hair, nodding up toward my Virgin Vault, my dorm building. "Let me change and I'll meet you down in Aki's  
lounge. We can figure out what to do, then. Okay?"  
  
The redhead grins and chirps a bright, excited "HAI!" before jogging off toward her dorm building,   
keys jangling out of her back pocket. Sighing, Chiko shakes her head sadly. "You've gone insane, Ami-sempai,  
to want to spend more time with THAT."  
  
I chuckle and shrug my shoulders. "You'd be surprised," I reply casually. "You really would."  
  
And so, as I do every day, I start up the shaded stairs toward Hokano Home, my face alit with a smile  
as I take the steps by two. "You did well, this time," my silent friend smiles, following me more slowly   
than she generally does. "I don't think you much need me anymore."  
  
Stopping for a moment, I consider this, turning around to look gently in her direction. A breeze   
ruffles my hair, and I find myself smiling sadly at the person I had so ignored - so tried to ignore - for  
so long. "I still need you," I assure her, my smile growing as I speak, "but I think that we need each OTHER.  
We're not really two separate things, after all."  
  
"True, true," she nods, her own short hair tossed by the wind. "Then, shall I leave you to your ways,  
Ami-chan? Should I let you find yourself?"  
  
"It's high time I started, isn't it?" I quip, my eyes twinkling. For the first time in ages, I smile  
a full smile, a smile filled with light and life and everything else that is so pure and good in the world.  
  
Sailor Mercury smiles back.  
  
------  
  
To: mizuno-ami@osakadaigaku.jp  
From: ainomegamisama@mail.co.jp  
  
Hey, Ami-chan! We're throwing Rei-chan a birthday party on Saturday! I can't wait to see you there!  
Wasn't that buffet last weekend so much fun? Your friends are cool, too. I especially like Saku-chan! You  
definitely have to bring them next time!  
Oh, and by the way... It's good to hear that you're transferring to Tokyo University next term. It will be   
so good to see you every day now! We all love you so much... I'm so glad you're back!  
Peace out!  
Minako  
  
------  
Fin.  
------  
  
Author's notes: This fic comes from me finding myself in college for the first time. Yes, Ami's campus is   
based off mine. Yes, I'm strange. So sue me.  
  
Sailor Moon dun belong to me. Don't think it does. Okay then.  
  
Thanks to Justin, who was nice enough to help me with some Japan stuff.  
  
And, as always, to Mark-kun, who somehow was lucky to get stuck with a DAMN pretty girl. ^_~  
  
Written on: 9.7.02 


End file.
